I Have to Make a Choice

Happiness is a choice. When you choose to have happy thoughts, you will attract more good things in life. This is what I learned after everything that has happened; that we can be happy, and we all have a choice.

No one's life is perfect. Oftentimes, life starts from scratch. If it were a game, it would always begin at level one and if it were a tree, it would always begin with a single seed. This has always been the process of almost everything. My life is no exception to this rule of the universe; I too had to start with something and it never began with grandiosity.

When I was younger, I always felt like I have been misplaced in this Earth. It's as if all the good things repelled away from me. I never understood why. I feared a lot of things and among the most horrifying is being concerned about how others think of me. I was scared of people's expectations on me. This has become my excess baggage for many years back. It felt like I imposed a burden on myself by intensifying this fear and it always felt like I gave them power to belittle me and to talk about me in any means and ways that they could. When I do something, it seemed like a compulsory thing to do to please others. Because of this, I was not able to feel genuine happiness whenever I accomplish things before. Although the fact that they were pleased, made me temporarily happy, it still gave me this empty feeling afterwards. I never liked to disappoint them. This was my choice.

So I strove hard, in school, in the many facets of my childhood, and in other ways that I could excel. But this never made me happy. It was like trying to catch an ocean wave that comes crashing to the shore, you think you can catch it, you feel excited and eager, but once it reaches your feet, it eludes you back again making you feel like you longed for something unattainable and that it could never be yours - this was what I felt about happiness in the past. This too, has been my choice.

Then the worst thought came to my mind. That I should just stop being happy and that I'm better off not feeling anything at all. It was miserable. I could not figure out what my purpose was. I was confused, tired and apathetic at times. Then coincidentally, like a raging storm, many unpleasant moments happened that led me to question my existence even more; brokenness, family problems, grades, friends, people leaving. I just had to cry. What else could I do?

The transition was not a one-day process. I will not lie. It took me quite a while to figure things out.
One good thing here though is that I DID realise things. Because I chose to.

How? Choice. I chose to listen to my family, not with what they expect from me, but the wisdom they shared, the insights they gave me and the unconditional love they provide. I chose to talk to God, to tell Him everything - my hopes, my dreams, my worries, everything. I chose to rely on Him and not to other people. I chose to long for God's love rather than that of others. I chose to pat myself at the back whenever I do good things, not wait for other people's comments and praises. I chose to start the paradigm shift and starting was not easy. It has never been easy and will never be. It took me courage and guts to do so. And because of that choice, my life has changed.

Because I chose to change it.