Written with much emotion.

Shoulders tensed. Jaw clenched. Each day, I live with fear. My every move is calculated; I must learn not to speak my mind and only speak on the right moments. I must know when these moments occur so when I do voice out, my words would be spot-on, eloquent, and perfect. I must be careful not to offend anyone. I am always on my toes, careful not to make a wrong move, a miscalculated step. I have to keep in mind the consequences - that making mistakes meant I will not be worth it anymore, that I am now vulnerable to rejection, and eventually, people around me will now have the knowledge of my own incapabilities. An unchecked decision, move, and word could jeopardize and destroy the protective little bubble I have learned to love and call my home.

I do not know which one is worse - bearing the world's massive expectations on me - what role I must play, what achievements I must make, what I must and must not do - or -  carrying my own absurd expectations I dump unto myself? Both, I guess. Especially when I have not the nerve to say no to either of them. It is a bitter-sweet feeling, both a blessing and a curse, to be able to feel so deeply. It amplifies so many voices around me saying I must have a perfect life to be accepted. I must attain the best knowledge to make sense. I must hold a high position in society to be listened to. I must achieve the most-coveted award to be respected.

I hear these voices anywhere, everywhere. Sometimes, they are tiny murmurs passed around through the wind. Tiny but intoxicating. Tiny and poisonous. The words slipping out subtly under their breaths lingering out in the world for the longest time, like the first stubborn yellow stain on a gleaming white shirt or that suffocating feeling of inhaling a thick second-hand smoke with no fresh air coming in. Other times, they are loud, intensified by social media, like they are spoken by giants, words roaring filling my ear and infiltrating my heart. They are words spoken every day as though it is the normal thing to be done, as though it is the only language we speak. It is so loud. Defeaning. Weakening.

I do not know what to do. At night, when the world is asleep, I am overwhelmed with a starry constellation of what-ifs. In the morning, fear gives me its sweetest smile as if saying: "I will go with you today wherever it is." I am tired. Must I always live this way? In fear? Seeking for the answer to this question meant spending moments staring blankly into space, walking mindlessly, feeling hollow, lost, and trapped. I sometimes do not see a way out of this kind of labyrinth. Of all the intricate ones, this is one of my most disliked entanglement. How tiresome.

How come some people are successful, happy, and well-made as though no problem such as this exists in their lives? How perfect they are! They can speak well, present themselves well, they are free, powerful, strong. They can make decisions confidently, they can make the world turn by the way they smile and shake hands. The world becomes a pleasant place in my eyes by looking at them. I want to be like that too! I do not want fear to follow me wherever I go. I wish I can drop it off at someplace and never have it back. I want to hide in my bubble again. At least there, I am protected, I feel at ease albeit invisible and not free.

Unfortunately, life does not work that way. When I had made the decision to move away from home, many miles away from what was comfortable to me, fear sat beside me that night and said: "I'm excited about this trip!" Hearing those words made me shudder in terror. "This isn't going to work at all! I'm definitely going to fail." I admitted. I declared. Then, fear did not say anything. I got on the plane bound for Singapore. I received my first job interview. I signed my contract. I started my first day at work. I did what I had to do. Sometimes, I tried to live. Most days, it was surviving that was on my mind. All through these moments, fear was with me, holding my hands. Shaking. Doubtful. Fearful. "This isn't going to work! I'm just not enough!", I had continued saying. Unknowingly, three years passed. Every day, with no fail, fear was there.

Perhaps, this was bound to happen. I was meant to live with fear. But then, while I was digging through what I had experienced, my heart feeling weary, my hands aching, and my head pounding with an overflow of thoughts, I saw a faint glimmer. It was a little diamond. I carefully took it out, amazed at its brilliance. Under the light, the diamond glittered stunningly. With curiosity and wonder, I held it gently to another angle, studying how brightly it shone despite its tiny size. Slowly, I began recognizing what it was. I smiled and without my command, tears fell, hot on my cheeks. Like an idiot, I laughed. My nose snotty, tears filling my eyes. That diamond was me.

Finally, I have realized. Finally, I have woken up. It was me all along, that diamond. It was me, realizing that fear will always be present in my life. But now, it is crystal clear that fear had not bound me into an oath that will prevent me from moving on. This was the reality that I had consciously or unconsciously shun away from. I am afraid, but I will not cease to move only because fear is around. Instead, like a light bulb switching on, I have understood that I will do it anyway! I have done so in the past, unknowingly. When I moved to Singapore, I was feeling afraid but I did it anyway! When I got a job, I have always been insecure and afraid because I was young and I was dealing with people who were at the top of their game, but I did it anyway! I gave my heart in what I did and it made fear fall silent. When I'm about to start something new, I feel afraid, but now I have learned, I'll do it anyway!

I have become a diamond not only because of these realizations. I shine brilliantly now because of my faith in God. I know that I can surrender and rely on Him and His great love, that all the struggles, uncertainties, and doubt is nothing compared to His power and mercy. I held on to my faith and it helped me bounce back from adversities. The expectations I'm carrying on my shoulders whether it be from the world or my own, became more bearable, and even better, I have learned to put it down time after time. What a relief! However, I would like to be clear that I am nowhere near perfection nor am I aiming at that direction. Rather, it is a realization that I have support around me that sometimes I fail to see and acknowledge. The little blessings in my life can sometimes be hard to spot when the judgmental voices are too loud or too poisonous. So, knowing I have someone to rely on, faith to hold on to, I know I can face the day head-on. Yes, even with fear holding my hand. Sometimes, I invite fear to be an audience. Failure or success - these things will not define me. I will strive in life but I will not forget to rest and take it easy. The voices will still be there, but I will learn to be selective about which ones to listen to. Not everything we hear, we must follow.

I had gone a full round on this. Perhaps, this truly is my message out there.

Being a woman had made me feel like I was limited in my capabilities, that I had to constantly prove myself to the world, that I must not speak my mind because my thoughts are less worthy than others and my voice not as valuable and impactful. But I now know there is another way and it is this: fear is definitely part of the full broad spectrum of emotions and experiences we go through in life, so are struggles, uncertainties, tiredness. As human beings, it is important to have something or someone to hold on to - whether it be our faith, our goals in life, our loved ones. If you have found the diamond in you, if you have also understood, or saw, or felt what I had witnessed and learned, I encourage you, please, share what you have learned with others. Share your hope to the world too. To the rest of the women in the world who are still finding their way through the labyrinth. We need to inspire each other. I have been inspired by many beautiful, strong women around me. I still am and will always be. I hope we can be that strength for others too. I hope we can be each other's "someone to hold on to"!

Release the tension on your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Breathe. Live on. You are amazing. Not only because you are a woman, but because - well, you just are amazing. Worthy. Not if. Not when. But worthy NOW! (Brene Brown said this, by the way!)

Happy International Women's Day!

Written with much emotion, rawness, and vulnerability.

Love,

Mary Jedde