Equal Parts Sweet Honey, Equal Parts Quiet Ferocity

There are those whose ferocity I admire. They speak their minds without hesitation. Engage in difficult conversations with ease. Talk with confidence about their causes. I've constantly wondered about the source of such fire within them - where it came from, how it grew. 

Then, I look at myself - hesitant in admitting a vulnerable fact about my own beliefs. But now here I am making a choice. To open up. To show myself. To talk about it. For what purpose? Perhaps, relief. Perhaps, understanding. Perhaps, to set myself free from the pain of bearing an immense pressure coming from everywhere around me in all directions. 

Am I the only one who feels this way?

I admit that the admiration I have for the ferocious ones actually hides a creeping insecurity inside me, covered with a cloak of invisibility. It is present. But it's not visible. I deeply castigate myself as though I am a prisoner inside a dungeon filled with thick cobwebs and suffocating smoke. 

Why couldn't I be as brave as them? How dare I cower in comfort while they are fighting hard for a battle that are even beyond themselves? What's stopping me from unleashing my own ferocity? fierceness? 

Photo credit to: Ian Lindsay from Pixabay

I found these questions difficult to answer. They seem to offer me no respite. So I carry them along with me each day as I endlessly examine clues that might ultimately lead me to some answers I'm seeking. Each day, I wallow in sadness because I feel helpless. I'm suffocated with annoyance because I feel like my progress towards this hunt for clarity seems agonizingly slow. I cry because I am in pain for the people who are hurting, suffering, lost, and broken. I burn in anger for things beyond my control. 

And most especially, not knowing where to begin is the most excruciating of all.

So I chose the longer path and decided to start with myself. To get to know my thoughts better. To seek an understanding of my own anger, prejudices, exclusion list; examining deep down the reasons behind my biases. It takes so much of my energy and consciousness. It takes a lot of time. It is difficult and doesn't give me any instant gratification at all. 

But I know for myself that that is better than expressing any of my misinformed anger. I trust that is better than mimicking a ferocity of my own, with no real source of inner fire. For many months, I chose this long-winded path. And I have no regrets because I have found gems along the not-so yellow-brick road I am treading. 

What have I learned? What are some of those gems? They are:

1) being aware that there are many other channels of fighting for a cause - through art, writing, music, dancing, through influencing family members with facts and ways to deal with an issue - and not just quickly resorting to the bandwagon of hate without first educating myself;

2) choosing not to put words in the mouths of those whom I don't hear - they may be struggling to understand, struggling to find answers, or are thinking pensively, I do not have the right to fill their mouths with words I choose for them. They have to choose the words themselves and think for themselves;

3) understanding that being quiet doesn't always equal being passive;

4) being brave to say "I don't understand", and being even braver to say, "I want to understand." so I try to learn about it;

5) being ferocious is admirable. So is being reflective. 

"If you are mistreated because of your soft disposition, respond to their poison with equal parts sweet honey, equal parts quiet ferocity." (orignally from Nikita Gill, ammended)

Many life events shake us. Disturb us. Challenge us. It is expected that we will have to find our own ways to comprehend and make sense of what's going on around us. It is our accountability to do so. I have found mine for now, and I guess, with that, I have found answers to my own questions too. 

"Why couldn't I be as brave as them?"

I am brave in a way that may perhaps be different from others. Writing this is already a form of bravery. To some, it may not be enough, but the level to which when one can say "enough" is subjective. To me, this is one step towards my goal of voicing out. That is already progress. 

"How dare I cower in comfort while they are fighting hard for a battle that are beyond themselves?"

Examining my own thoughts and understanding my biases are difficult, uncomfortable battles on their own rights. But doing so allowed me to uncover and realize what I'm truly fighting for and no other person should feed me that. 

There are many things that I do each day that contribute as ammunition for the battles I have chosen. I realize I should not beat myself up. I am fighting so many battles myself being far away from home.

"What's stopping me from unleashing my own ferocity?"

My ferocity has always been with me. I've unleashed it as an internal drive to seek an understanding, patience to persevere through the tedious journey, and love, to accept things and situations beyond my comprehension, to embrace people of all colours and race, and to acknowledge my own imperfections and becoming ever more willing to work on myself so I can serve my community better.

What about you?

"One's philosophy is not best expressed in words. It is expressed in the choices one makes. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Choosing the longer path,

Mary Jedde