The Clear Truth - What You Don't See In the Photos

By -

It is very easy to say we had a perfect wedding just by looking at the beautiful photos. But when you look a little more closely into it, you will begin to notice that our wedding day is composed of many tiny stories of imperfections, effort, hard work, and sacrifices - making it all the more memorable.


On the outside, I felt ecstatic. But somewhere within me laid a deal of sadness. I felt sad because many of our beloved relatives and cherished friends could not join us in the celebration. I only realized recently that I had been repressing this sadness to make room for focus while we were preparing for our big day. Whenever I receive a decline, I would be very quick to say "I understand" without processing how I felt and this backfired pretty quickly.



A night prior to the wedding, I broke down because I got overwhelmed with a surge of emotions. I honestly exploded because I had been bottling up my emotions - those that I deemed unproductive, unhelpful, and distracting - like anger and frustration. There were many things that didn't go according to plan and instead of expressing my real feelings about those matters, I chose to zip them up and lock them away. I had forgotten that it's okay to be angry and that my anger does not represent my whole being. I got scared of my own feelings and so I chose to pretend they were not there. 



It was a difficult moment for me because the sac which contained the locked-up emotions finally burst into pieces and pierced me hard. The sole Being who understood how I felt without me having to verbalize everything into existence was God. I prayed harder than ever. I felt I was at my weakest and communicating with the Lord helps to put me at ease. I became too focused on the minute details of the wedding - the dress, the food, the guests - that I had missed out on the most important purpose of matrimony and that is to be united in the presence of the Lord. 



One other important person was there with me during this moment and it was my then-fiancé (now my husband) Alexander. He listened and stayed. He made me feel that I wasn't alone in this and that we are a team. We didn't always agree with each other and we often express our own sentiments to each other (which can get ugly, messy, and painful) - without having to fear judgment - but that's what makes me appreciate our relationship all the more. It reminded me of a phrase from a book that says: 


"A better sort of lover is one who finely wrought of strong psychic muscle and tender flesh. For Wild Woman it also helps if the lover is a person who can see into her heart. (pg. 116), There is no one a wildish woman loves better than a mate who can be her equal. (pg. 121)"

 


He never left me alone on my own. He was always ready to support me whenever I needed his help. He never made any qualms about my decisions and consistently believed in my leadership. He was always willing to share his ideas with me and I was happy to oblige. He treats me as an equal, and I too treat him the same. I am deeply grateful and thankful to you, my love.


In fact, now, as I'm reflecting while I'm writing, there are also many things I have to apologize for. I often mistake his quietness as a sign that he is being passive. But in reality, that is not the case and for this, I'm terribly sorry, Schatz. Well, there are actually more things to say sorry for but, as the 1970 movie entitled Love Story by Erich Segal said, 


"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

 

We still say sorry, but maybe what it means is that we are always ready to quickly forgive each other.




And lastly, things wouldn't have been as beautiful without the presence and love that both our parents showered us with. My parents did not lose a daughter but gained a son through Alex. His parents did not lose their only son but gained a daughter through me. And we became a bigger family filled with hope, determination, joy, and love. Thank you Mama Estela, Papa Tito, my sister AJ, Mama Hazel, Papa James. 


To my college besties who organized my bridal shower and stayed up overnight to prepare for our big day and attending in their best selves despite the challenges they faced along the way - thank you.


To Mommy Jasline who booked us and her family an entire plane ticket from Singapore to Cebu so that we can prepare for the wedding and who would have wanted to attend despite the odds but couldn't make it due to travel restrictions in Singapore - thank you.


To Aunt Liza, Uncle Felix, who already had their attire made from Cagayan - thank you.


To Uncle Danny, Ate Brends, Ate Patsay, Manoy Charles, Ms. Sol, Sir Leo and to the rest of our very important guests who couldn't make it but still made sure their well-wishes reach us - thank you.


To Dave, who was in the middle of taking her exams in Med School but still made it during our wedding - thank you.


To Cecil, who was my confidante, and who trusted a budding designer to make her beautiful dress, creating a ripple effect and building that person's self-esteem, thank you.


To Dongibz, who traveled all the way from Japan to the Philippines so that he wouldn't miss our big day, thank you.


To Kenneth, who just lost a special person in his life and still showing up in high spirits as my husband's best man during the wedding, thank you.


To Chilou, my confidante, and witness of our relationship, thank you.


To Alex's relatives who took the time and effort to prepare for the wedding, thank you.


To our ninongs and ninangs who, despite their busy schedules still attended our wedding and witnessed our union during the ceremony, thank you.


To our family relatives and friends who watched the live stream ceremony, thank you.


To my Positive Psychology colleagues in Singapore, who became friends and mentors and sent their well wishes to us, thank you.


To my relatives who attended our wedding day, thank you.


To all our suppliers, thank you.




Amidst all the imperfections, efforts, and sacrifices that were felt and made during our wedding day, what is etched in my heart is the happiness I feel, the sense of belonging that fills me, and the bright, warm flame that gives me the energy to embrace this new chapter in my life, together with my husband.


And that, dear reader, is the clear truth that many people don't see in the photos - that the wedding day was solemn and perfect because it was made with tiny jeweled diamonds that went through roughness and polished with love.


To my husband, Alexander, being your wife brings me happiness and joy. Thank you for taking care of even the messiest parts of my soul.


Love,
Mary Jedde



--

Footnotes:

Book: Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.
Movie/Novel: Love Story by Erich Segal (1970)


Location: Philippines
The author of this blog is plain and simple. She thinks mostly of the usual things - life, love, beauty. She enjoys the basic necessities like food, warmth, blankets, and music. She gets thrilled with the idea of an adventure but doesn't really like to go on one, unless her spontaneity kicks in. She's got a fire in her belly most days, but enjoys the leisure of being in bed at the same time. Odd. Weird. Plain. Simple. Mary Jedde. An old soul, a lifelong learner, and a flourishing human being.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Short Story: One Thing I Learned from Failing is that I Love Learning

By -
Image
Jedde, Fourth-Year High School, Year 2011 Photo from: Steven Tan An achiever - this sums up my identity in my younger years.  In high school, I've consistently strove to earn myself a place in the honor's list - a highly coveted recognition given to exemplary students, so to speak. Submitting projects on time, actively raising my hand, studying enough to ace my exams. All of these worked for me. In fact, during our quarterly recognition, my name would often be in the top ten list and I would feel proud of myself.  To put a little context to this story, I studied in a Science-Math curriculum school - Mandaue City Science High School. The pressure is high. Passing grade is 85. Below that grade, a possibility awaits for you to transfer to another school because you're unable to maintain the grade requirements.  So I planted in my mind that I must work hard to remain studying in my school; and to push that goal even further, I told myself that I'm going to be an honor stude
Read more

Tears and Love Aplenty

By -
Image
I often make my mother cry.  When she attempts to inquire, investigate, and challenge, I respond with an equally fiery and booming voice. Later, when her tears gush, she would tell me I would regret it and that I too, would soon feel her pain when I become a mother myself.  This looming warning has prevented me from enjoying the idea of motherhood. I thought to myself, perhaps, I could not become a good mother because of this. I will never amount to anything other than a woman who has made her own mom cry. I would look inward and start blaming my intenseness. I would often question myself - am I too much? But I learned that you can never be too much for anyone who loves you dearly. And this will be a hard-earned wisdom I will pass on to my son -- that you can be difficult, and still be loved. That you can speak your truth, and still be loved. That you can pave your own path, and still be loved.  Because even though I make my mom cry a lot, we fight a lot, and she gives scary warnings l
Read more

Silent Surrenders

By -
Image
"You are expected to be the strong one; the unbreakable. The always on the go, always successful,  always the one who knows where she's heading. But what they don't know about are your silent surrenders. When your mind shuts down because it's too full. Full of worries. Full of uncertainties. Full of insecurities and doubts. You break down and quietly give up. They don't know about it and you don't talk about it. And the day goes on and on and on. With your loud victories and your silent surrenders. Close your eyes. Count the stars. Get lost in a galaxy far away. Imagine its vastness, think of its depth. And when your tears fall,  let them disperse into tiny diamonds. When it's become too heavy to carry, and you're on the verge of whispering that you're tired, know that you  can make diamonds from the tears in your eyes. And your brilliance can rest when the moon appears tonight. Just let the night embrace you tight." Written by: Mary Jedde
Read more