Home At Last

There's a lot I've to unpack in this story. It took me some time to decide how and what to say. I have decided to let courage prevail and so here I am, writing this piece of my life to say that finally, I am home. 

Ah, this isn't one of the typical stories that'll make you feel good. This is one of those vulnerable moments of mine, of which I have decided after careful thought, to share with you. I hope you don't mind receiving a piece of my story?

Vulnerable moments have stories of defeat in them and I worry that perhaps, today's story may not be your cup of tea. But, if you give this a chance, this might ignite a spark in you, and better yet, open your heart to acknowledge another angle of the story from a millennial overseas Filipino worker.

Should you feel that this isn't your cup of tea, I shall respect your decision.

However, should you decide to sit with me by the fireplace and hear my story, please stay and I shall welcome you wholeheartedly.

Let's begin this, shall we?

Yes, you read it right. I am finally, and happily back home in Cebu, Philippines. This is another big leap in my life. Massive clouds of uncertainty are cast over me. But today isn't about the uncertainty. Rather, it's about sharing an incredibly unforgettable and long journey in Singapore and the lessons I learned along the way. So buckle up, this might be a bumpy ride.

Living in Singapore for close to four years had always felt like a vacation. Like I was a tourist. Each day, I would wake up thinking, "I wonder when it's time to go back home?". Some days, it was beautiful especially when I can travel to new places, or visit luxurious hotels and venues that are related to my work, or when I'm able to see Alex. But often, my days weren't exactly a bed of roses.

Work, which composes most of my time in a foreign country, was not easy. Especially being one of the youngest (at 22 years old), and having to face gigantic loads of pressure every time. If I were to romanticize that feeling of fear and insecurity now, I would say I definitely nailed it and I was brave to do so and that I should be proud of myself for achieving such feats at such a young age. 

But in reality, I was this fragile girl who gets affected by every negative feedback, demeaning stares, and insurmountable inadequacy I've received from those around me and within me. I do not expect you, dear reader, to understand how I truly felt back then, but I appreciate that you are here, still reading, still listening to my story. 

All the while, I was scared because I was away from my friends, my comfort zone, my family. And I placed heavy expectations upon myself to excel, the way I always do. Unknowingly, this added more stress because nobody knew and bothered about the awards indicated on my resumé. 

So basically, I was a nobody. It slapped me real hard on my face. I accepted this bitterly and went on with my life, slowly, agonizingly, and unpredictably. And it didn't stop there. Adjusting to the new culture was also challenging. The way I eat, what I eat, how I speak, all these were under careful scrutiny and it made me feel insecure all the more. 

Security of work is an illusion. I didn't know whether or not I would lose my job the next day. When I wake up, there is this lingering fear that I am insufficient, I was not worthy to be where I am, and that at any time I can just head back home and admit defeat. I was a walking case of impostor syndrome - but I couldn't divulge this to anyone, let alone admit it to myself.

This is the reason why it never sank in that I was in a beautiful country like Singapore. I couldn't fully enjoy being there, because I was held back by my fears. I never splurged on things that were to my liking, never jumped on the bandwagon nor followed the trend, and had always kept a low profile. All because I know for a fact that this was all temporary, a charade if you put it, and that life was making fun of my pride. 

 

Tolerance. This was a word I abused a lot because I needed to tolerate many things should I wish to last. I wonder if you can feel how I felt through my words, perhaps they are insufficient? I hope you read this with empathy, dear reader, or with a little ounce of love. And if none of those can be spared for this humble story of mine, I hope it gives you - even a tad amount - of insight towards other Overseas Filipino Workers who own a unique life story from mine. Because being an OFW is more than just the dollar sign, there is a thick layer of ice below that shiny summit of the iceberg covered beneath the ocean.

I earned money through my job. It was an amount that one cannot easily earn back in the Philippines, I guess. And yet, I wondered where all my money went. Ah, the rent. Food. Transportation. Sending money back home to support my family. Saving for the future. Surviving. Just like a regular person. 

Making ends meet was a priority and time is money. I understood the importance of this so greatly that I couldn't even bring myself to frequently buy a decent meal. Often, a good $3 dish would suffice, even when I had a really tough day from work, where I could easily say "I deserve a good meal." Unless it's a special occassion.

This went on and on like a loop. I filled my days with prayers because deep down I know that I needed to anchor myself on a greater power, on my faith, on God to grant me the strength I need to survive another day. 

Some may think: "You are so lucky to be where you are! Don't complain." I wonder what they see and think about when they look at me as they say this. Are my scars visible? Are my saddening thoughts audible? Can they feel the burdens I carry? Do they understand the language my soul speaks when it is in disarray? I doubt so. But they say it anyway, and nonchalantly too. I smile and sometimes, I cry secretly.

Oh, but don't get me wrong. I am not condemning all these experiences just because they are quite melancholic. In fact, in these vulnerable moments of mine, I use to learn more about life, about living. I learned that sometimes, there is no point in holding on to things and moments that we cannot change and that letting go is a better option. 

I also learned that life is filled with so many miracles and sometimes it takes a sad day for us to see them clearly, as though the tears being cried out could purify our mind. There are more meaningful lessons I've learned and I treasure them in my heart.

Also, not all days are painful. There are fun days too! I've met new people whom I can trust. I managed to achieve my dream of studying in Singapore and successfully completed it. I've traveled to countries like Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, India, Malaysia, and Indonesia. 

I've read more books than usual. I've spoken to inspiring people with admirable stories of courage and bravery and how they unleashed those moments of courage. I've equipped myself sufficiently so I can be useful on my return to the Philippines.

I am happy to be home. It was a decision that has long been forged in my mind. To many, it may be a surprise. "Why would you choose to return back to the Philippines?" To which I respond, because it is my country and I intend to serve it. And because there is no "balut" in Singapore. Hahaha. True, though.

Today, as of this writing, I am facing yet another big battle. It is about slowly easing back into my life in Cebu. I hope my friends and relatives can be patient and understanding. I am doing this adjustment one step at a time. But I am here and I am happy.

If there's one big takeaway from this story, it is this:

"If you won't struggle, you wouldn't truly understand what genuine happiness means. If you don't experience downfalls, you wouldn't fully feel the true meaning of victory. If you don't lose some people in the process of your self-discovery, you wouldn't be able to appreciate the real ones who are meant to stay in your life. And if you aren't hungry for learning - even when it means learning through pain, you wouldn't fully know what it means to live. So give it your best at life even when it means falling down. You just have to get back up again."

"Mapapagod, magpapahinga, ngunit hindi susuko."

Thank you, Singapore, for sharing your beauty and prestige.

Thank you dear reader for reading! I appreciate the time you shared with me today. 

Love,

Mary Jedde

Proud Cebuana.