Un-planning My Life

There are sides of us that we do not show in public. It's either we do it on purpose for a deep reason, or, maybe we're just not aware they exist. You know, like a blind spot. While there's a huge chance for our blind spots to turn out wonderfully inspiring, we also know deep down that sometimes, they are quite the contrary. 

One big realization that dawned on me these past few months is that I freak out when I couldn't plan my life out. This is my blind spot that I don't particularly present generously to the public eye, plainly because I didn't realize it then, and I've still yet to understand my experience in a private space. I believe you understand, right?

You see, generally, I'm a spontaneous person. I've come to terms with being agreeable to changes. In fact, I've even created a photo album on my Facebook called 'Spontaneity', where I save all photographs of my spontaneous adventures with family and friends. 

So, what made these past few months from all the rest? Why am I now frantically obsessed with wanting to plan my life and yet freaking out when I couldn't come up with a concrete one? Why is this blind spot appearing now? I thought about it for a long time and finally, I've got an answer.  

Like many people, I too, planned this year to be a memorable, romantic, life-changing, and a big year for me and the people around me. There were schedules plotted in each month and I couldn't stay calm about it. It's just that exciting! 

However, to my horror and in the beginning, denial, something massive crashed into our lives that disrupted our plans and shattered a huge portion of our hopes, leaving us breathless, exhausted, and lost. Yes, I'm talking about the pandemic. 

Suddenly, I couldn't see where I was heading. All I could see in front of me was this thick fog of uncertainties and taking a step forward seemed impossible, scary, and dangerous. So, I remained where I was, trembling with fear. 

Gradually, my blind spots started sprouting. My impatience grew more intensely. At the same time, I eased into feeling still and stagnant. Like a couch potato! Of course, I wasn't able to find the best way to express this to everyone I know. I just sat with my blind spots and emotions until I understood them by heart.

To be honest, I didn't come to terms with my blind spots on my own. I had communicated them with my partner, Alex, and expressed them to our family. I prayed for guidance and wisdom from God, and talked with some of my mentors. I realized that I needed my circle of support to help me navigate through my uncertainties in life. 

It took me some time to accept the fact that the plans we made last year which were intended to make this year 2020 a marvelous one, were all gone with the wind. So instead of getting deeper down the rabbit hole of obsessing over our unrealized plans, I'm going to start unplanning my life for now. 

To me, un-planning means applying equanimity in my life despite the constant changes. Un-planning means reminding myself that things, feelings, thoughts, plans, and everything around us are impermanent. I told myself that I will feel excited for the things in my life that will change, rather than condemn change itself.

I will focus on growing myself more, so I can pursue my passion of helping the community and as well as build my own brand. I will continue to stay grateful to the people around me for consistently uplifting me whenever I doubt myself, or bask in my blind spots, or wallow in sadness that things didn't go according to plan. I will forever be thankful to God, because of His mercy and love. 

And of course, to the Jedde now, thank you for doing your best, despite feeling lost. For constantly creating and sharing your light with others, inspite of being uncertain about many things. And for always believing that there is hope and beauty and wonder around you, regardless of how bleak things are sometimes. 

To you, dear reader, for generously taking the time to read until the very end of this humble writing, may you also come to terms with your blind spots, may you realize that the support you need is just around you, and may you be well and genuinely happy wherever you are.

Love,

Mary Jedde