How Do We Forgive Ourselves for All the Things We Didn't Become?

Expectations are burdens that are heavy to bear. Yet, we easily impose expectations on ourselves and other people carefully pile up their expectations on us as well. It's either one of these two and if you're lucky, you get both. Failing to meet these expectations can either cause us to get compared with other people or we end up beating ourselves hard for it. It's tiring isn't it? You're tired too, aren't you? 

No matter how many inspirational quotes we read, how we strive to improve ourselves, or try our best to meet others halfway, there will always be moments when we question our self-worth just because we didn't become someone who we expected ourselves to be. 

How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't become? 

--

There was one evening when I found it difficult to sleep. I asked myself this question and what happened became a turning point in my life. I thought of a chair. It was a nicely polished chair with a red cushion. It looked cozy and comfortable to sit on. I remember that chair. It's the one we have in our dining area. 

On the chair sat a little girl with her feet not even touching the floor. Her head was bowed down, as though someone has just reprimanded her. The little girl's face appeared clearer as I tried approaching and I realized that the little girl was me. When she saw me, she protected herself and slightly trembled. I wondered why. So, I asked the little girl, the little me, a question. 

"What's wrong? What happened?"

She spoke to me in a timid voice. She said she was afraid. I asked her why she was afraid. She responded that she was afraid of making mistakes because someone will get angry. She told me she was afraid because if she didn't follow what this person told her to do, she will get trapped and she wouldn't be able to play anymore. She confessed that she was afraid, because if she doesn't achieve what this person expected her to do, she will get crushed and disappear. 

That sounded so heavy and serious. Poor thing. Poor little girl. There was anger brewing in me. I was angry at what was being done to her and what she's going through. I inched closer to her, aching to hug her but hesitant to do it. But in response to my movement, she flinched and it caught me by surprise. There was a pause in between us. I broke the quietness and finally asked: 

"Who's doing all these things to you? Who's making you feel afraid? Who's crushing you and making you feel trapped?"

Slowly, she lifted her head, mustered the courage to face me and said: 

"You."

I cried that night. 

I returned to the vision and the little girl was still there. I told her that I was deeply sorry. I hugged her so tightly. I pressed my forehead on hers and kissed her cheeks. After all, I was the person who's responsible for her pain. I was the person causing her to be afraid. I was the person who piled up all the expectations on her and making her feel trapped and crushed, almost to the point of disappearing. My tears were endless in that space and time and all I could say was "I'm sorry." 

I told her I'm proud of her for being so courageous. For speaking up. For doing her best. 

She didn't bulge. She didn't react. Not when I said these words:

"I forgive you."

She cried. She cried and cried and cried. 

She dried her tears and smiled at me and said, 

"Thank you."

When I heard those words from the little girl, I knew that I had accepted my own forgiveness. I knew that finally, I forgave myself for all the unmet expectations. And I am grateful to have taken the courage to embrace a side of me that had suffered.

I am finally set free.

Then I was brought back to the present moment, fuelled with more hope & faith.

--

We are carrying so much expectations in our lives. We are expected to act a certain way, acquire a certain amount of money, receive a certain recognition to be admired, live a certain type of life. What we often forget is that beneath these expectations, we are hurting only ourselves. Through my experience, I realized that one way to forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't become is to be self-compassionate. 

Embrace the imperfection, the uncertainties, the mistakes that have been done in the past. There is no other way to move forward with love in our hearts except through forgiving ourselves. And only when we forgive, do we truly learn what love means. 

Love,

Mary Jedde