A Short Story: One Thing I Learned from Failing is that I Love Learning

Jedde, Fourth-Year High School, Year 2011
Photo from: Steven Tan

An achiever - this sums up my identity in my younger years. 

In high school, I've consistently strove to earn myself a place in the honor's list - a highly coveted recognition given to exemplary students, so to speak. Submitting projects on time, actively raising my hand, studying enough to ace my exams. All of these worked for me. In fact, during our quarterly recognition, my name would often be in the top ten list and I would feel proud of myself. 

To put a little context to this story, I studied in a Science-Math curriculum school - Mandaue City Science High School. The pressure is high. Passing grade is 85. Below that grade, a possibility awaits for you to transfer to another school because you're unable to maintain the grade requirements. 

So I planted in my mind that I must work hard to remain studying in my school; and to push that goal even further, I told myself that I'm going to be an honor student. 

I'm an achiever - so that's exactly what I did.

For the past four years, I've maintained that goal.

Until one evening, I went home crying. 

My mom asked, "What's wrong? What happened?"

I just kept on crying. It's an ugly cry. You know, the kind when no words come out? Heavy breathing in between? 

We were in the dining area, my mom curious and worried.

It was a few months until our graduation day, about to say good bye to my high school life. That moment was the culmination of all the hard work, efforts, and sleepless nights. That was the ultimate recognition that I am indeed, a consistent honor student and I was definitely ready to receive that title. 

I would have successfully met the expectations of the people around me - my classmates, teachers, family, and relatives. It was a heavy burden to carry and yet I thought to myself that I'm about make that happen anyway, and so I shoved it in the back of my mind. I even motivate myself by saying: "I'll make you all proud." Indeed, a promising statement from a little, lean girl.

All my grades were top-notch, English, Physics, Chemistry, even my elective in French, the grade was impressive. 

All - except one subject - Calculus. It was a grade of 83. 

"Your grade point average is absolutely great! You could've been one of the overall top 10, but I'm sorry to say that because you have this mark (below 85), you're not going to be in the official list of honor students.", I was told. 

"That was the rule, after all, wasn't it?",  I consoled myself, feeling heartbroken, dumbfounded at the news. A grade below 85 shattered my perfectly-curated image of who I think I am - achiever, honor student, invincible. 

At this most crucial moment, when I was about to graduate, finally completing high school - I failed.

My language after hearing about this news became filled with "what ifs" - what if I did better, what if I worked harder, what if I studied more. But what's done's done and the results cannot be changed anymore. 

So I went home that day, crying. I told my mom what happened and I was never the same anymore.

"Almost".

 

I was almost part of the list. I almost made it. I almost got it.

 

I think the word "almost" is the saddest word in the English language. You're an inch closer to your dream and you still didn't get it. 

It took me a while to accept this reality. I kept hearing the tiny voice in my head saying I'm a failure because I didn't achieve what I wanted to. I felt like a freaking mess and I carried this along with me for a long time, even making subtle jokes about it with my friends. 

The pang of pain still existed and this, I learned is the harsh truth and reality of life. We don't necessarily get rid of our grief and pain. Rather, they become part of us. They can either turn us sour when we let these experiences get the upper-hand in our lives, or they can turn us wiser, when we accept them and learn from them.

I experienced this kind of failure many times in my life. 

I failed many of my exams when I was still a student. When I entered the workforce, I've been rejected by many companies when I first applied for my job after Uni. When I moved to Singapore, I received countless of demeaning comments like "You're too young to be here!", or "You're too inexperienced to be leading us.", or "You won't last here.".

I thought many times that I am inadequate, unworthy, and just lucky. There are better people out in the world and I am just not at par to some standards. I nonchalantly compared myself to perfect images of other people's lives. 

But I didn't break. 

Our failures may be part of who we are - but it is NOT who we are. Our failures & struggles do no not make us a failure.

 

One thing I learned from all my experiences of being somehow a 'perfectionist' and a 'high-achiever' made me realize my strength and that is love for learning. I learned that:

1) When we give it our best and we still didn't get the result we want or expected - GET EXCITED because you will surely have enriching learnings and wisdom that you can extract from them. As the famous saying goes, "experience is the best teacher". Definitely true.

2) When we allow ourselves and give ourselves permission to feel upset about not meeting the expectations we have for ourselves, it becomes easier to move forward in life. 

3) Self-compassion is an important component of learning from our experiences. We should also give ourselves attention like how we give attention to other people. Most importantly, let's be kind to ourselves like how we take care of our friends. 

4) Listen to people who inspire you more than those who judge you. People who are not your tribe will almost always say and believe their own paradigms about you. But they do not have access to your real story. They only have assumptions - which are often inaccurate. So wish them well and move on.

5) Befriend life. Learn as much as you can with optimism and hope. Think about how you can use this knowledge to help others navigate their lives. We don't know who we inspire with your story so embrace your unique adventures in life and share them with others who need to hear it.

Life is a constant learning journey. Be thrilled to live. Be excited to learn. Be open for growth. And in all these things, keep your faith in God and acknowledge your efforts kindly and quietly.

 This is what my mom told me that evening when I cried and it made all the difference.

Thank you for reading.

The one who failed, but who's not a failure,

Mary Jedde